Fears: They Don't Have To Control You

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Fears: We All Face Them

Fears. We all face them. Whether we’re worried about an upcoming job interview, an important test, or even telling someone we love them, we all have things that scare us. There’s also the broader fears, the ones that shape who we are. These could be the fears of what other people perceive of us, if we will ever succeed in life, or if we’ll ever find true happiness. Fears come in every shape and form, and they can mold us drastically.

A Hypothetical

The difficult part of fears is how convincing they can be. Let’s say you applied for your dream job. You worked hard on your cover letter, built up the confidence that you would land this job, and then you receive an email saying that they have chosen another applicant. It’s a crushing feeling, but you choose to continue searching. You apply for another job, and though it’s not necessarily your dream job, it’s still something you’re interested in. You repeat the same steps and still have confidence remaining in yourself, only to be met with the same fate. That disappointment you’re facing is beyond words and delivers a huge blow to your confidence. From this disappointment also brews a lingering, fear-filled question: Will I ever succeed? 

With time and more failed attempts, your brain begins to convince you of something: I am unable to succeed and will ultimately fail at what I do. It’s an intense feeling, and it feels like a weight on your chest. Your head is scrambled, and now this fear is spreading to other parts of your life. You begin to second guess if you’re good at any of what you do. This fear is causing you to spiral out of control and question your own self-worth. This fear is powerful and relentless, and it bleeds into every day of your life.

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Of course, this is a hyper-specific example of the birth of a fear and how it can affect someone, but it can happen to anyone. I have often found myself in a similar situation. I am an overthinker, no matter how much it sucks to admit it. I overconsider situations and dwell far too long on what could happen. For the longest time, though, I didn’t realize how severe of an issue this was, until I got into a relationship. Getting into a relationship ripped the bandage right off of the wound and forced me to confront a huge struggle that I never bothered facing before. A significant amount of my fears are exacerbated by my anxiety and OCD, and for quite some time in my relationship, I have had to face the fear of abandonment. 

My Experience

This fear stems from my childhood, and when it shows itself, it’s powerful. This fear is able to convince me that something is always bound to go wrong, that good things mean chaos is upcoming, and that ultimately, people will get tired of me and leave. This fear would cause me to panic, freeze up, and feel nearly incapable of doing anything. I would get cold flashes and tense up. 

Honestly, this fear is still present in me, but it is fading with healing and time. With great patience and love from my boyfriend, I have begun to learn that love isn’t dangerous. What used to feel like a threat to my well-being has now become something that gives me happiness and peace beyond words. 

What I've Learned

To overcome this fear and learn to accept love has required me to unlearn what first taught me that good things meant something bad was bound to occur. I have learned that when I feel anxiety creeping up on me, before I react to it, I question its source. With my recent anxieties being rather repetitive, I am able to quickly locate the source and remind myself that this is my body’s way of protecting itself, but it is no longer in danger. This all requires patience and a feeling of self-worth as well.

My boyfriend has also helped me to grow in confidence, and as a result, I have found the ability to finally tell myself that I am worthy of love and good things. Finding people who support and uplift you is greatly helpful with overcoming fears, and knowing your own worth is of infinite value in every aspect of your life.

Final Words

To end this, I want to say that fear doesn’t have to be your life. You are not defined by what scares you, but rather by the choices you make and the chances you take. Fear can either hold you back, or courage can push you forward. It isn’t easy, and you’ll never be perfect (mistakes and failures are important milestones, too!), but imagine the possibilities if you choose to not let fear hold you back. So much of life is already out of our hands, so why allow fear to control it more?