The Art of Saying No: Making Boundaries for Better Relationships
- delbosques
- May 5
- 7 min read
Have you ever said yes when everything in you wanted to say no – just to keep the peace?
I used to believe that saying "No" made me a bad person: a bad friend, a bad daughter, a bad roommate, a bad teammate. So I said yes — to everything. I said yes to staying up late helping someone study, even when I had my own work to do. I said yes to giving rides, running errands, doing favors, and showing up to hangouts when all I wanted was to crawl into bed and be alone. I thought being there for others meant always being available, no matter how I felt inside.
At first, it felt like I was doing the right thing. I was proud of being someone people could count on. But slowly, I started feeling tired — like, deep-in-my-bones tired. I felt stretched thin, constantly overwhelmed, and sometimes even resentful. I would smile and say “Sure!” while screaming inside. But, the guilt I felt for even wanting to say no was stronger than my exhaustion.
The truth hit me one day after I canceled my own plans to help someone, only for them to not even say thank you. I sat there, alone, realizing I had given away yet another piece of myself—and for what?
That’s when I started learning about boundaries. Not the harsh, mean kind we often imagine, but real, healthy ones. I learned that saying no isn’t about rejecting people; it’s about choosing yourself with kindness. Saying no is not selfish. It’s honest. And honestly? I needed to start being real with myself.
Why We Struggle to Say No
Saying no is harder to do than it seems. Many of us are raised to feel like being nice means being available. We want to avoid being the person who lets others down, the person who disappoints people, and the person who is seen as rude. We sometimes think that saying no means we are going to lose relationships, or, even worse, we bathe in shame because we are "bad" for wanting to say it.
The emotional weight of saying no is likely tied to our fear of rejection, our need for acceptance, and the relationship between the two. Saying "no" feels personally rejecting, even though you may just want to protect your time or your energy. Saying yes felt easier than to go through the guilt of saying no and doing things that you really don't want. But, eventually, I realized that every time I said yes when I was really saying no, I was letting myself down.
What Boundaries Really Are?
Before I knew what boundaries are, I thought they were intended to keep people out of my life—like walls — like rejection. But, boundaries have nothing to do with keeping people out. They have everything to do with who gets in and how.
Author Nedra Tawwab describes boundaries in her book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, as the limits we set to take care of ourselves. Boundaries are not punishments; they are not threats. They represent how we want to be treated.
There are so many kinds of boundaries:
Emotional boundaries - protecting your feelings and mental well-being.
Physical boundaries - protecting your space and your body.
Digital boundaries - deciding who gets access to you on the internet and/or social media.
Time boundaries - deciding how much time you can realistically give.
Through this experience of setting boundaries, I learned that I could be kind and loving – while guarding against too much of a good thing. Saying no to an extra ask didn't mean I was a bad friend. Not immediately answering every text didn't mean I was being mean. I was simply learning, or re-learning, how to take care of myself before I reached a place of total burnout.
The Power of Saying No
The first time I said no – and was serious – was terrifying. I thought people would hate me. Surprisingly, they didn’t. The first time I said no and followed through, I felt uneasy… but also liberated. It dawned on me that the world was not going to collapse just because I honored my human limits.
Research professor and author Brené Brown says it best. “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” She’s right. Every time I honored my no, I felt a little more empowered. I did not feel selfish – I felt more authentic. More real.
In an interview with The Off Camera Show, actress Elizabeth Olsen shared how her siblings Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen taught her that "No" is a full sentence. This simple lesson has brought her a more peaceful perspective on life. As she puts it, "You can just say no." It’s simple, yet powerful — a reminder that sometimes saying no is all we need to take control of our peace and energy.
Real Voices: Learning to Say No
After thinking through my own experiences, I wanted to hear from people in my life. I asked two of my teammates a few questions about the relationship they have with boundaries, guilt, and saying no. What they had to say highlighted how many others face these same struggles and how it can be to choose ourselves.
I asked WVC Women's Soccer Team player, Rainee Brito, about her experience with saying no.
"I usually say no to people, but I think it’s something I’ve learned to grow and develop over time—how to say no, and when to say it, especially if it might affect someone negatively. But at the same time, it feels really good to say yes because I know I’m helping them. Saying no, though, feels good too because I’m putting myself first."
Brito mentioned how hard it can be to say no, especially when she loves helping others and wants to be reliable. It's not just about setting boundaries for herself, but also knowing when to step back to preserve her own well-being.
"I do find it hard to say no because I like knowing that I can help people and that they can rely on me for anything. But sometimes, saying yes can have a negative effect, and I regret it if it negatively affects them—even if I have the tools to help. It’s a tricky balance."
Her experience shows that saying no isn’t easy, and it’s often wrapped in guilt or the fear of rejection. But, ultimately, she’s learned that putting herself first is sometimes necessary for her mental health, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
"It's surprising when people accept my no. I often worry that they might not like me anymore or might stop asking for help, which is the last thing I want. It also surprises me how guilty I feel or how rude I think I’m being, even though I’m just setting a boundary. It’s a mental struggle I’m still working through, but I know it’s healthy in the long run."
Brito's story captures something we all experience: the tension between helping other people and also protecting yourself. It doesn't just mean saying no. It is grappling with how to be considerate to others while also being considerate to your limits. Her experience shows us that boundaries are not just moving to push other people away, but making room for connection in a more healthy, and more authentic way.
I also spoke to another WVC Women's Soccer Team player, Katie McCombie, who is originally from Scotland and shared a similar but uniquely personal perspective:
"The last time I said no was during a phone call with my brother. He asked me to come home from America, and, obviously, I can't. I do find it hard to say no sometimes, but it really depends. If I'm uncomfortable or don't want to do something, I'll say no without hesitation. But, when it comes to helping people or being there for someone, I’ll almost always say yes."
McCombie described herself as someone who is naturally a "yes person," especially when it comes to friends and family. She explained that helping others is part of who she is, which can make saying no feel unnatural.
"Sometimes when I say no, people are a little surprised because they expect me to always say yes. I like making sure I’m there for people, so it can be hard to set that boundary even when it’s necessary."
Her story shows that even when someone is confident enough to say no in uncomfortable situations, the real difficulty often lies in saying no to the people we love. It’s not just about boundaries—it’s about navigating loyalty, love, and self-respect all at once.
What Can We Learn from This?
Saying no and setting boundaries sounds like a hard thing to do, and honestly, it kind of is. It can feel scary because we don't want to seem mean or selfish and ruin our relationships, but the truth is that, is the you are not. Setting boundaries means putting yourself first. It’s not about being rude; it’s about showing self-respect. Saying no won't ruin your relationships — it will improve them. The right people will respect your boundaries. And the wrong people? Well, losing people who can’t respect your no is a blessing in disguise.
The conversations and stories we heard had a common theme. When we are setting boundaries, we are not pushing people away, we are fostering fuller, honest relationships.
This is the bottom line: saying no is an act of love — for yourself and the people you are surrounded by. It allows you to show up completely, without resentment or burdensome composure. And, sometimes, it really is as simple as it sounds — like Elizabeth Olsen said, "No is a complete sentence." It is that simple, and it is that powerful, and that can be enough.
We do not have to justify ourselves. We do not have to feel bad. Saying no is an act of choosing you — and you should never feel bad about that.
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