Why Friendship Isn't A Steppingstone

Friends Aren't Waiting to Be Lovers.

Have you ever been friends with someone, and everything is great? You’re getting food, sending each other dumb videos, talking about life, and it’s easy. There’s no pressure, no games, no expectations. Then one day, they sit you down and say, “I need to tell you something,” and suddenly the friendship is never the same.

Jim and Pam from The Office. A common example of friends-to-lovers. I'd even say a good one. Credit: Fandom

Somewhere along the way, we were all sold the idea that if a guy and a girl are close, they’re supposed to fall in love. Movies told us that. TV told us that. Social media definitely told us that. The whole friends-to-lovers trope is treated like it’s the best possible ending. Like, if you don’t fall in love with your best friend, you missed something.

Although that can be true, it shouldn’t be the reason you go into a friendship. Friendship doesn’t have to lead to romance to matter. Some of the most important relationships in your life will never be romantic. And that doesn’t make them any less meaningful.

What My Friends Taught Me

I didn’t want this to just be my perspective, so I talked to two of my closest friends, Keslie and Jovie. These are people who know me well, not just public me but private real me. I wanted to understand what our friendships actually feel like from their side.

From left: Keslie, me, my lovely wife Chloe, and Jovie at my wedding Credit: Kyleigh Cross Photography

One thing that stood out right away was how similar their answers were, even though I asked them separately.

When I asked if our friendships had changed the way they see guy and girl friendships, both of them said yes. Not in a dramatic way, but in a simple, honest way that felt more real.

“At no point did I ever question if you had other motives.” -Keslie

That line stuck with me. I think a lot of friendships fall apart because of that exact uncertainty. When someone feels like there might be something else behind the friendship, it changes everything. Hearing that there wasn’t any of that showed me how much trust actually matters in something as simple as friendship.

When I asked what makes a friendship feel safe, both of them talked about something similar, even though they said it differently.

Close friend Keslie Martin with her dog Arlo.

Jovie described it as emotional maturity and being able to be open with each other without it feeling weird or forced. Keslie described it more simply.

“It’s that feeling of ‘you’re good, I’ve got your back.’”

That made me realize being a good friend is not always about doing something big. It’s about being consistent enough that someone feels comfortable around you.

Close friend Jovie Wagner Credit: Kyleigh Cross Photography

Another answer that stood out was about vulnerability. Jovie captured the central point I strive to convey in all of my writing.

“It’s okay to be vulnerable.”

That sounds simple, but I think a lot of guys struggle with that. There’s this idea that you’re supposed to keep things in or not talk about what’s going on in your life. But both of them made it clear that being open is actually what builds a real friendship. Not oversharing. Not forcing deep conversations. Just being honest and letting people in.

Keslie touched on something I don’t think gets talked about enough. “Jokes aren’t always neutral.” Even if something is meant as a joke, it can still affect someone. That was something I had to learn. It’s not just about what you meant, it’s about how it actually lands.

When I asked why our friendships work so well, the answers were almost identical without them knowing it. They both said it works because it’s low pressure. No one is trying to impress the other person. No one is acting differently depending on the situation. Just being real. That might be the biggest thing I took from all of this. The best friendships are the ones where you don’t feel like you have to perform.

Ultimately, I asked what they would tell every guy about being friends with a girl. Keslie answered with conviction. “Don’t take it for granted. Treat her with respect and kindness. Don’t expect it to become more than friends.”

The Skills Platonic friends teach you

Steve and Robin from Stranger Things are often considered an "iconic duo". Steve is a straight man, and Robin is part of the LGBTQIA community. Credit: Variety

Having female friends doesn’t make you less of a man. It makes you a better man. You learn how to listen, not just wait for your turn to talk. You learn that some problems don’t need fixing; they just need to be heard. You learn that the way you say things matters as much as what you say. A joke can still hurt even if you didn’t mean it that way, and a good friend notices that. You get a different perspective. You hear about things women deal with that most guys don’t think about. Being a close friend makes those issues real. It changes how you see the world and how you act in it.

Most importantly, you learn how to care about someone without expecting anything in return. You show up, you listen, and you support them because you value the friendship. That carries over into every other relationship. If you can’t be a good friend, you’re probably not ready for anything more.

Having female friends has made me more aware, more patient, and more honest. It taught me empathy and respect in ways I didn’t expect.

Friendship > Feelings

Sometimes friendships are tested. You might notice a connection that feels deeper than usual, or see how much you care about someone. That doesn’t have to change the friendship. What matters is choosing to honor it for what it is, not what you wish it could be.

A real friendship is about being present, supportive, and trustworthy. It’s about valuing the person as they are, without trying to change the dynamic or turn it into something else. That choice is what makes a friendship strong, and what makes you a better friend and a better person.

A real friendship isn’t a stepping stone to something else. If you truly care about someone, you want them to be happy, even if that happiness doesn’t include you romantically. It takes maturity and honesty to step back and accept that.

Why This Matters

Monica and Chandler From Friends. A great example of a platonic friendship with a person of the opposite sex. Credit: MovieWeb

A lot of young men grow up without learning how to have emotionally open friendships. The only place they feel safe sharing who they are is in a relationship. That puts too much weight on one person.

Strong friendships, especially with women, teach you how to listen, support, and respect boundaries. They teach you how to be consistent and reliable. They teach you how to care without expecting anything in return.

These lessons carry over into every relationship. Learning to be a good friend is one of the most important ways to grow as a person.

Friendship is The Story

Not every close friendship between a guy and a girl is secretly a love story. Sometimes the friendship itself is the story. Some people come into your life to be exactly who they are: a friend who understands you, supports you, and helps you grow. If you’re lucky, you have friendships where you don’t have to impress, perform, or hide who you are. You just show up, and that’s enough.

Those friendships are rare. They’re worth protecting. If you have a genuine platonic friendship, don’t treat it like it’s temporary or waiting to change. Treat it like what it is...something real, something meaningful, something that shapes who you are.

Because sometimes being a friend is the most important thing you’ll ever do.

It doesn’t make you less masculine. In fact, it makes you a better man by teaching you lessons you might not learn any other way.