Listening: Its Importance and How to Improve Yours

Credit: Stephanie Wright on Pinterest

My Experience

Ever since I was younger, I struggled with listening. From being too stubborn to take no for an answer to arguing my point over that of another's, I was not a proficient listener for the majority of my life. In recent times, however, I have come to realize the great importance of listening and being there for others. Whether that’s letting a friend rant about a difficulty they’re facing to allow them to feel heard, or staying quiet as someone tells us about an issue they have with us so we can take it in and consider its validity, offering a listening ear is beneficial to both others and ourselves.

Credit: Mich Brown on Pinterest

There are many times in which we just need to be heard. We aren’t searching for suggestions, we aren’t looking for a solution, we don’t even need advice, we just need someone to hear us and validate our feelings. For me, I always found it easy to spend long sessions ranting about what was wrong in my life, but when it came to others doing the same, I struggled to focus on what they had to say. Even if I did stay quiet, I couldn’t keep myself tuned in enough to consider their words. With time, there was a great guilt that grew in me: I could talk, but I couldn’t listen. With this realization, I quickly came to the decision that I need to work on this flaw. My loudest thought was, “How can I expect others to care for me if I offer no care myself?” It troubled me for a while with how much I struggled despite my best efforts, but with time I learned that listening is a skill that is learned through patience, trial and error. I had to remember I am not always going to be able to give my 100% to others, and I also need to take time to step back and reflect on myself and my feelings. This has been one of my greatest struggles as a people pleaser, but it is extremely important to know how to care for yourself when caring for others.

Carol Gilligan's Ethics of Care

Credit: National Academy of Education

A psychologist who speaks very similarly on this matter is Carol Gilligan, who, in 1982, wrote of a moral framework when it comes to our relationships in her book In a Different Voice. Ethics of Care was developed based on research with women, but Gilligan has insisted that it can be applied to anyone. In an interview in 2011, Gilligan discussed “-the importance of everyone having a voice, being listened to carefully (in their own right and on their own terms) and heard with respect.” She spoke on how it is important to pay attention, listen, and respond in relationships, and how there is a price to losing connection with yourself or with others, as well as made the statement, “Rather than asking how do we gain the capacity to care, the questions become how do we come not to care…”

Credit: Special Education Notes

In Gilligan’s Ethics of Care, she lists three stages of care: pre-conventional, conventional, and post-conventional. Pre-conventional care is the stage at which a person is focused on their own self-interests over other considerations. The conventional stage is the stage in which a person comes to focus on their responsibilities towards others. They become “concerned with care for others and being selfless…” The final stage, post-conventional, is considered the highest stage of moral development, in which a person has learned to see themselves and others as interdependent. They “-have control of their lives and take responsibility for their decisions, a big part of which is the choice to care for others.” Gilligan mentioned that not everyone will reach the highest stage, and there are no specific ages tied to each stage. Each stage comes with people's evolving sense of self.

I find Gilligan’s Ethics of Care to be something to be considered. There is great importance in knowing how to care for yourself when caring for others, growing in empathy and consideration of others, and knowing how to display that care. Despite her research being done on women, I believe this can be applied to either sex. It is important for every person to know how to be there for others and themselves to help grow their interpersonal relationships and sense of self-worth.

My Personal Tips

Some personal care tips that I recommend are keeping a journal to rant in, having someone to go to in case dealing with another person ends up being heavy on you and you need support, and remembering that you cannot solve every issue that may come up, whether it be one of your own or another’s. 

Questions

How do you handle difficult conversations? What are some ways you could improve when it comes to being there for others? Self-reflection is important when it comes to topics such as these.