You're Not Him(And That's Kind of The Point).
- Landen Elliot
- 3 hours ago
- 4 min read
When 'Him' Is The Wrong Guy.
There’s a certain type of guy online who watches a movie and immediately decides, “Yeah… that’s me.”
It doesn’t matter if the character is unstable, violent, or completely out of touch with reality. If he’s confident and says a few cool lines, suddenly, he becomes something to look up to.
There’s a certain magnetism to leading male characters, maybe it's the power, the control, the confidence. They’re designed to draw us in, making it easy to see ourselves in them and imagine stepping into their shoes.
But, when you look a little closer, those same qualities start to lose their appeal. What initially seems admirable can reveal something far less appealing underneath.
Because a lot of the “him” characters are not heroes. They are warnings.
Take Tyler Durden, Patrick Bateman, and Jordan Belfort. These characters get praised for their confidence and control. But underneath that, they are all dealing with something broken: ego, isolation, obsession, and a lack of empathy.
Fight Club is not about becoming Tyler Durden. It is about losing yourself trying to be him.
American Psycho is a satire of toxic masculinity taken to an extreme.
The Wolf of Wall Street shows a man ruining his life while thinking he has everything figured out.
But instead of seeing the downfall, a lot of people only see the surface. Power. Money. Control. That is where the media starts shaping how you think.
The Archetypes You Are Actually Chasing:
A lot of these “him” characters are not random. They are exaggerated versions of real male archetypes.
Most of them fall into a few categories:
The King: Leadership, power, control.
The Warrior: Strength, action, dominance.
The Magician: Intelligence, strategy, awareness.
The Lover: Emotion, connection, passion.
The Father: Protection, guidance, responsibility.
There is nothing wrong with these. Everyone relates to at least one of them.
The problem is when the media shows you the worst version of them, and you start chasing that version.
The Broken Warrior The Empty King The Corrupt Magician
Strength with no purpose. Status with no substance. Influence with the intent to manipulate. They are what happens when these traits lose balance.
What Gets Left Out?
One of the biggest issues with a lot of “sigma male” media is what is missing.
Women are usually not fully developed characters. They are background, motivation, or something to win. Rarely are they actual people with depth.
If that is the only perspective you are seeing, it limits how you understand others.
That is why it matters to branch out.
Shows like Fleabag and movies like Lady Bird or Everything Everywhere All at Once put you into completely different perspectives. They are messy, emotional, and real in a way that forces you to pay attention.
Ghost in the Shell gives you a main character who is powerful but also questioning her identity and purpose.
And then there is Hayao Miyazaki and Studio Ghibli. His films consistently portray women as complex and important without reducing them to stereotypes. They feel like real people.
That kind of media actually builds empathy.
A Better Way to Look at It...
This is not about avoiding darker characters.
You can still watch Fight Club or American Psycho and get something out of them. The key is understanding what they are actually saying.
Those characters are not goals. They are extremes.
A healthier version of masculinity comes from balance, not obsession with one trait.
You do not need to dominate people to be respected.
You do not need power if you cannot handle it responsibly.
A character like Joel Miller shows a more grounded version of the Father archetype. He is protective and flawed, but driven by care and responsibility.
Even someone like Superman works as a simple example. Not because of strength, but because he chooses to care about people.
So Which One Are You?
Instead of asking “Which character am I,” try asking a better question.
Which archetype do I fall into, and is it balanced?
Pick the one that sounds most like you:
A. You like being in control and making decisions
The King
B. You act first and think later
The Warrior
C. You observe and figure things out
The Magician
D. You care a lot about relationships
The Lover
E. You feel responsible for protecting others
The Father
Now, be honest with yourself.
Is that trait helping people or just feeding your ego?
Are you missing other parts of yourself?
Are you shaping this based on real life or fictional characters who were meant to be warnings?
Be The Better "Him."
The “I am him” mindset is not always a bad thing. There are good role models in film. I mentioned Superman earlier; we should all want to be like him.
But if the version of “him” you are choosing has no empathy, no balance, and no self-awareness, then you are probably learning the wrong lessons.
Watch what you want. That is not the issue.
Just make sure you understand what you are watching and what it is actually saying about the kind of person you want to be.
Take this quiz to find out what archetype best fits you.
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